Advice my mother gives me

No beverage: just frustration

Hi friends! So I know you haven’t heard from me in awhile, and honestly, I had a post mostly written and ready to roll out for my big return (stay tuned for that one) but today I feel like I just need to get something off my chest. And this just happens to be my outlet of choice

For those of you who’ve been loyal readers (thank ya kindly) you know that as a runner, and as a woman, I’m no stranger to creepy men doing creepy things. Just as a recap, I’ve been catcalled, followed, spit at, had someone pretend to jerk off at me…the list goes on. I once had someone tell me repeatedly to kill myself and that he hopes I die because I ran into the street while his dog was chasing me.

These experiences don’t make me special, I know. It happens to most, if not all, women. It also happens to men and individuals in general. But let’s not pretend that it’s an equal distribution.

For those of you who follow me on social media, you know that I’ve also been intermittently vocal about my issues with creepy men doing creepy things, in addition to the occasional irresponsible dog owner. But here’s the thing about using a Facebook status as an outlet for a complaint. People don’t always want to hear it. It’s old news. It’s dramatic. It’s just words.

A couple of years ago, I didn’t say good morning to someone on a run. They didn’t say good morning to me either, so I wasn’t aware I had missed the conversation. But anyway, the person proceeded to scream terrible things at me. But when I took issue with this, I was accused of being dramatic, of putting more severity into something that wasn’t that severe.

To that person I say, how do you know? How do you know the intention was just words? How do you know I’m mistaken? Because I don’t. And I was there.

This all brings me to my title and to my rant. Leaving a workout yesterday, I saw a man notice me and cross the street to my side. The man made me uncomfortable before he even crossed. I could see he was having a conversation with someone, and I could see that he was watching me. As he crossed the street he approached me saying, “I am homeless. I need help. Give me money.”

Ok, so if I can interject for a second: any John Mulaney fans get some New In Town vibes from this?? Anyone? Just me?

“Excuse me”
“I am homeless”
“I am gay”
“I have aids”
“I’m new in town”

Just saying.

Anyway, I didn’t answer the man. I was alone. I felt uncomfortable, and I wanted to get to my car. I also don’t carry cash, but that’s not really here nor there. What matters here is that when I failed to answer, he continued to follow me, demanding an answer, calling me a fat bitch, and saying he was going to punch me in the face.

He didn’t. I’m fine. I got in my car, and I drove home. I called my parents. I immediately tried to minimize it. Was I being rude for not answering? Did I manifest the situation by being uncomfortable before he even started speaking? Am I really fat?

He didn’t actually hit me, so was there really a problem?

Like I said, I’m fine.

And yet, none of this is ok.

That brings us to today, and my motivation for this post.

Today I went for a run. One mile in, some guys in a work truck drove by, and one yelled at me and told me to take my shirt off. A half mile further down the road, a car full of teens said something similar. And like I said earlier, none of this is new. And I know the odds that anyone is going to stop is pretty small. But at the same time, I have been followed before.

And it brings me to what my mom said on the phone last night.

“As a woman, you can never just assume you’re safe.”

You see, when I saw the guy yesterday, I immediately got a weird feeling. But no one wants to be that girl who assumes everyone is out to get them. And again, the guy never touched me. But he also didn’t get close enough. So when it comes down to it, who knows?

And are you noticing that even here, in a space that I own, I’m taking care to make a space for this man? Are you seeing how much I feel like I need to clarify that I wasn’t hurt? Can you read into it the insecurity I feel around the possibility that someone may think I’m exaggerating or being dramatic? Can you tell that even now I’m questioning whether I overreacted to the situation.

In the case of the two cars today, I didn’t think that they were going to pull over or anything. Like I said, that type of behavior is pretty common. But it’s all just so exhausting. It’s demoralizing. I’m trying to accomplish something, and instead I’m reduced to an object that is not deemed worthy of even the slightest respect. It makes you question why you’re doing all of this shit in the first place. The repetitive decision making process of determining what’s a threat and what’s just “guys being guys” makes the goals I set for myself at the beginning of the run seem pointless.

Which is why I’m sitting on my porch right now instead of finishing the last two miles of my run.

So I guess that’s really all I have to say on the matter. There’s nothing really to do about it, and I’m sure I’ll be back out for a run tomorrow. But sometimes it feels nice to just remind people that this is the shit that women get to deal with.

Thanks friends, and I promise you’ll get a new post this week! A fun one!

New(ish) year, new shit, same me.

Today’s beverage: still working on my iced coffee from 5am…but at least it’s still cold!

So have ya missed me?! Been a minute, I know. But now that I’ll be in the car for the next 7 hours, what else am I gonna do? Fortunately for everyone involved I don’t get car sick.

2021 is turning out to be my year I think. I got my vaccine so the lower half of my face is now visible to the world again. I just closed on my house. I got engaged. I have a wedding date and a venue. I started a new job!

DO ALL THE THINGS!

Did you know that big changes, even when they’re good, are still stressful? Because I did. But that doesn’t mean it didn’t still get to me. It’s like how my fiancé’s friends threw him a surprise birthday party for three years in a row. He knew it was coming, but that didn’t make it boring. That example is kind of a stretch but Brigid is tired.

So yeah, I thought about naming this “New Year, New Me,” but the “me” is still the same. That’s the thing I don’t get about New Years resolutions. Like unless you’re a real dumpster fire, the goal shouldn’t be to become a new person. It’s more like you want to make some tweaks to the current model. Like you don’t need to get a new car, but maybe it’s time to get it detailed.

Also, the drunk version of you should not be allowed to make life decisions for the sober version, unless that decision is to buy a bulk quantity of dunkaroos and lunchables.

I was just telling someone how I only ever think to paint my nails when I’ve been drinking. And they inevitably look like crap, which I think is a suitable metaphor for setting self-improvement goals while you’re running around in a sparkly dress with your own bottle of champagne. It’s all fun and games until you’re sitting at the table locating any paper cut you’ve ever had with a bottle of acetone.

Also, it’s July. We are clearly not in a new year, unless you live by the timeline of an academic planner…which I just bought…for my new job!!!

And on the topic of that new job…

Those of you who have bought houses are probably remembering that the time to start new employment is not at the same time as when you’re starting a new job. The powers that be were not exactly thrilled with my timing. But guess what?! This was something I needed to do for me.

So we made it work.

Homemade butter is ideal, but if you don’t have your own butter churner and cow, store bought is fine.

Anyway, here I sit. Stuck in a car on the way to North Carolina, and taking the first breather in over a month it feels like. The fiancé and I get a week of relaxation and then it’s moving time! It’s painting time! It’s fixing things in the house we didn’t know were broken time! And most importantly, it will be time to put a wall around the freestanding toilet in our basement. I’m not much for peeing in front of people unless I’m three sheets to the wind, so yeah we think that will be step one.

The one nice thing is that we are opting to not make any big changes to most of the house because we figure that should be done after the puppy we are getting in the fall will be housebroken. No sense buying new carpet only to get it peed on.

DO ALL THE THINGS ALL AT ONCE!

Oof. Let me tell you, that IUD is staying firmly in place. There is a limit to doing all the things. This will not be a Jeebus Take The Wheel scenario.

I do want to share some of the highlights from all the big changes.

Let’s start with the getting engaged thing.

Have you ever pictured in your head how you’ll react when you propose or get proposed to? Does that picture resemble Gollum from Lord of the Rings? Yeah, me neither but here we are. I didn’t even realize until hours later that I never actually said yes. I just ripped the ring from the box and put it on. My manners are impeccable.

Let’s move on to the house.

I will say this one time for everyone who will ever buy a house. CLOSING IS ANTI-CLIMACTIC. At the end I felt like I had to ask and verify that we had actually just closed. It doesn’t help that we are “renting” the house back to the owners for a month for free so we didn’t even get the keys yet. It’s a seller’s market babyyyyyyy.

Now the job.

LOVE IT. I mean it’s the first week so it’s not like I have a real grasp on things but do you ever get somewhere and just think, “this is where I’m meant to be.” It’s the same feeling I get whenever I see an ice cream stand.

On to the future.

Within a week of being engaged, my fiancé and I have a wedding venue and a date. We thought we also had a guest list (or number of people list) but gosh dang were we naive. Either way, we are officially planning a wedding. Enter Bridezilla! No, just kidding. Honestly, and I know so many people say this, but as long as I can eat my own snacks and drink my own drinks, I’ll be happy. I feel like the only thing on my list right now is to start sweatin for the weddin. And I know, I know, that’s somewhat problematic, and my fiancé loves me just how I am. It’s not like he’s the one who told me to hire a personal trainer. He is paying for it, but that’s just due to my poor money management skills.

This was a solid way to kill an hour. I know it’s been an hour because my fiancé was counting down the minutes until noon so he could eat his sandwich. I feel like one of us used the time more productively, but I’ll let you decide who that was.

That’s all I’ve go for you, and maybe I’ll check back in on the return drive.

So until next time… I guess I need a closing catchphrase, but that’s a hurdle for another beer.

Ugh I really need to start incorporating booze back into these…

I don’t need a man just pockets

As promised, I’m lightening up the subject matter this week!

Today’s beverage: coffeeeeee

Update: no beverage. Sorry folks, I started this over a week ago, but so much has happened that this here little post got set on the back burner.

Things have been cray cray to say the least

Tough Mudder…check

Housing offer accepted…check

GOT FRIGGIN ENGAGED!!…check

But I promised you all a post about pockets, and that’s what you’re gonna get.

So, back to the task at hand…

Alright ladies, say it with me… “It haaaasssss pockets!”

We’ve all said it, followed by immediately placing hands in said pockets and twirling. Do men do this? No, men are just like oh hey… pants.

Don’t even get me started on the absolute heartbreak that is fake pockets. And before you ask, no I don’t mean the pockets in fancy clothes where you need a seam ripper to open them. I’m talking 100% fake, aesthetic pockets. All the exterior stitch work with none of the interior practicality. Beauty truly is only skin deep y’all.

Now before I dive in here, I am aware that no one is making me buy the clothes I buy. No one is forcing me to wear make-up and attempt to do things with my hair. But here we are.

Side note, I recently learned how to do French braid pigtails and I am flying high right now.

Now, I like to consider myself independent, but in a highly inconsistent and unpredictable way. So I guess actually I’m just stubborn. It’s real cute. Ask anyone. And I try to live by the rule my dad implemented when we were wee children: you stay home until you can carry your own snacks. If I’m going to make the effort to leave the house and venture out into the world, I’m going to be responsible for my own shit. Everything I need for the venture will be carried on my person. I do not enjoy asking people to carry my things for me. They’re mine.

This would be so much easier if any of my clothes served any sort of functional purpose whatsoever! Women’s clothing is a scam, it’s a racket I tell ya. Unless all I have is an old-timey pocket watch, I’m not going to carry all my belongings in my jeans. And the number of times I’ve been bamboozled by a fake jacket pocket has given me severe trust issues. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH MY HANDS?!

This brings me to my next point. To those of you at home saying to yourself, “why do women carry so much in their purses,” well first of all it’s none of your damn business . But if we are pretending that your opinion on my personal belongings matters, here’s the scoop. If I have to carry a whole ass bag with me, I might as well fill it!

Ever seen the episode of How I Met Your Mother where Marshall and his coworker show up to their first day of work with briefcases full of candy bars? Hi, I’m Brigid. Present and accounted for!

Besides, have you ever seen a guy in cargo pants? I mean do you neeeeed to carry that Swiss Army knife with you or your all-purpose tool? No probably not. Most of us rarely find ourselves in unexpected MacGuyver situations, but since you have 1,009 pockets, why not? Actually, while you’re at it, carry some tampons in there and help a girl out.

Next up let’s have a chat about running shorts. My fiancé (WHAT WHAT) goes for the occasional jaunt around the neighborhood, and his running shorts have pockets that could for sure fit a phone. My shorts on the other hand could for sure fit a quarter, which is useful if I also have a time machine to take me back to the early 2000s so I could find a pay phone. It’s ironic because everyone says that women should be carrying mace and weapons so we don’t get murdered, but we have to buy more accessories to accommodate them. Honestly, if we just make everywhere a safe space, that would be ideal, but I listen to a lot of true crime podcasts, so we know that’s not the case. Also, I don’t run with mace or pepper spray or whatever the legal version of it is because I would likely just spray myself in the face, doing the criminal’s job for them.

Basically this whole post is a pointless rant about form over function. Pointless, because I will not be changing really any of my buying habits. But sometimes it feels nice to just yell for a few minutes. If you’ve ever used the HBO app on a PlayStation, you may understand what I’m saying. You can yell at the app all you want when it inevitable crashes, but there’s still a lot of episodes of the Wire left, and I’ll be damned if I’m not going to see where McNulty’s questionable parenting tactics take him.

In conclusion, stayed tuned for next weekend’s newest installment of Brigid’s Stream of Consciousness.

Instead of my usual closing statement, I’ll leave you with this…

HAPPY PRIDE Y’ALL

🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️

Ok Boomer, you win this time

Today’s beverage: coffee on an airplane

Leavinggggggg on an airplane, don’t know when I’ll be back again.

Just kidding, I have a return ticket for Sunday.

I hate flying, so I figured maybe I’ll write to pass the time and see what I come up with. Ladies and gentlemen, buckle those seatbelts, secure those tray tables, and hold on to your butts. We are headed to North Carolina for a girls’ weekend!!!

This is actually my first of three trips to North Carolina scheduled for this summer. If you know me (hi mom) you know that I have a brother in North Carolina, so you’d think this would be a great schedule to see my biggest brother, right? Nah. He is literally not in the state of NC for any of this trips!

Of course this would happen, because one of my friends on the trip has been saying for about 6 years that I made him up because she’s never met him. So I’m sure she’s “shocked” that he’s conveniently out of town this weekend. But he’s real, I swear! He’s just way too smart and successful and in demand at his job.

But anywayyysss, I’m sure you noticed that none of that has anything to do with the title of this entry.

Another thing that has nothing to do with the title? I have press on nails currently, and typing is so. fucking. hard. Like this is going to take me forever. But as I said, irrelevant.

No, this post is going to be about realizing that living like you’re in your early twenties would kill you now. I remember being in college and my dad told me that in his thirties he had a dream that he missed all of his finals and woke up in a panic. He said it was a real nightmare. And I just sat there like ok boomer, I have night terrors but go off.

But then it happened. I had the dream. The first one was a few years ago. I got lost on campus and missed my finals. Another time I realized halfway through the semester that I skipped two whole courses. Last night it was that I never handed anything in and flunked out.

And folks, the boomer was right! It’s awful!!! Sometimes I wake up from these dreams and almost need to go track down my diplomas to remind myself I finished all the things. I give so much respek to adult learners. I would not be able to hack it.

And it’s here that I ask myself, when did I get so old? There were definitely signs along the way. I had a MySpace. I have a Facebook. I have no fucking clue how to TikTok. I did not own a crop top or high waisted jeans in college. That last one is a real bummer because it sure would have been nice to discover that trend when I still had a six-pack. I was sub-tweeted when I didn’t even have a Twitter since I didn’t have a smart phone. Here’s looking at you, girl who wanted to fight me because I politely asked for my jacket back after you stole it.

It wasn’t until I was confronted with the idea of having to go back to school because my dreams told me that I never finished that I looked into the mirror and said, “I’m too old for this shit.”

I could not do college again. Or at the very least, I couldn’t do college how I did it the first time. I remember one Sunday, after beach party, rolling into the locker room for the long run. I was 5 minutes late, I was not coming from my own home, which it’s not what you think (not that it matters if I was coming from a night of getting railed), but I used to sleep at one of the other track houses all the time. Anyway, I roll in with nothing but a granola bar and probably beer in my stomach, and nothing but a bikini and a sweatshirt on my body. And then I ran 16 miles and went to brunch. Now I can’t have a beer within 72 hours of a long run, or I’m pretty sure I’d die.

Even beyond the party aspect of college, which I know was pretty minimal compared to the average college experience since I was an athlete, I don’t think I could handle it in general. I mean, all nighters to write a paper? My bedtime is firmly set at 10pm. I’d fail everything. And to think I didn’t discover coffee until grad school! My college roommate gifted me with a pretty solid caffeine habit.

I feel like in general I’m just not suited for college life anymore. I was much more resilient back then. The world and life hadn’t quite knocked me down yet. I lived in a “garden apartment,” which we all know is just a nice way to say I lived in a basement, and we had ants. Because it was a basement. One day in class I pull out my laptop, and I’m typing away, when all of the sudden, ANTS START CRAWLING OUT FROM THE KEYBOARD! At the time I just put the laptop in my backpack before we had a locusts descending on Egypt situation. If that happened now I’d need to set up an emergency appointment with my therapist, and I’d have to set the thing on fire.

Speaking of things that would cause absolute trauma now, I once blew the circuit in our apartment. The breaker was in the landlord’s basement, which shared a door with our apartment (proof we lived in a basement). As a result, the door to the basement is supposed to be unlocked, at least on their side, at all times. Our side was a different story. While our landlord was very nice, my roommate and I had some feelings about the guy living with her, who we didn’t discover until years later was her nephew. So the door stayed locked.

Why were we not on Team Random Man? Let me paint you a word picture. Don’t worry, it all circles back around to my original point. Bear with me.

It’s not rare for college athletic teams to have items that are passed down from class to class. For us, it was a mannequin leg. All the seniors would sign it when they graduated and it would go to a younger house. My junior year it found its home in my apartment. After Christmas break I respond to a knock on the door from the landlord’s mystery boy. When I open the door, he’s standing there with a mannequin leg. Questions pop into mind. Where did you get that? Why do you have it? How did you know we had one? WHY DA FUCK WERE YOU IN OUR APARTMENT?

So now that you have that background, let’s go back to the power outage. I unlock the door from our side to the basement, but it won’t open. We are supposed to have access, so I’m sitting there like, imma get this door open. After pushing with all the might in my little runner body, it opens. So you may be asking, was it locked by accident? Nope. ‘‘Twas not. It was blocked shut….BY A PILE OF MANNEQUIN PARTS.

Now as an adult, this would be the point where I pack my shit and move home for the rest of my life. But because college students have zero living standards, I just flipped the breaker and went about my day.

Thirty year old me and twenty year old me have very different guidelines for fuckupedness. That’s a word; don’t worry about it.

Update: adding an airport beer to the works

Back to business.

The moral of the story here is that I never thought something so innocent as dreaming about missing a college class would cause me such distress, especially compared to the fact that I routinely wake up convinced that someone is standing over my face, but here we are. The boomer was right. You win this time. Also, I know my dad reads this, so don’t worry dad I love you! Except for the first day of your retirement when you were on the roof at 7am doing construction work. It may have been 11 years ago but I remember being so rudely awakened by someone who was supposed to be RELAXING!

What these dreams taught me is that despite the fact that I hate that my joints are crackly and my resilience in the face of nonsense scenarios has gone down the toilet, I’m not sure I’d trade it for going back to college. Because I’m tired. And I know, almost-30 is not old. I’m still a spring chicken. I’m in my prime (To my boyfriend, you can still put a ring on it any day now). It’s just a slower prime than it once was.

And since all this reminiscing is bringing me back to my college days, I want to leave you on a fun story. It’s my cousin’s favorite, and it really is a classic example of college kids being hella dumb.

To set the scene: winter after Christmas break my senior year. It’s cold. It’s the middle of the night.

All of the sudden, the carbon monoxide detector goes off. It does its job and wakes up me and my roommate. Now at this point we had already had a gas leak just a few months prior, so this should have been especially concerning.

So I crawl out of bed and check the detector, and as you likely know, there’s usually a guide on the back with different beep patterns and corresponding instructions. This particular pattern said “move to fresh air.” Ok, that’s easy. So I take the detector, PUT IT OUTSIDE, and go back to bed.

Fortunately, I realized that this didn’t seem right. In reality, it was fortunate that it ended up just being a malfunction, but we didn’t know this at that point. So I call the fire department, not 9-1-1, because it’s still not occurring to us that this is a real problem. I went to college in a rural area. We got the fire department’s voicemail! This led to a very casual 9-1-1 call, which led to a somewhat less casual argument with the operator as to whether or not we could just stand near a window as opposed to going outside because “we feel fine, and it’s cold!”

Ladies and gentlemen, I currently possess a masters degree.

So until next time… I guess I need a closing catchphrase, but that’s a hurdle for another beer.

Look Ma, nice words!

Today’s beverage: I mean I did have a mimosa after my workout this morning. That counts, right?

It’s Mother’s Day, y’all! So why not write some nice things about the lady who made me!

I’ve been wildly fortunate to have the mom that I have. She’s more than just a mom to me; she’s also my best friend. It’s a real Hallmark movie up in here, minus the part of the movie where someone gets murdered.

To be cliche as fuck, it’s impossible to pinpoint the specific reasons that my mom is the amazing human that she is. She’s just always been there to be supportive, to set an example, to be a shoulder to cry on (literally- she’s pretty short), and to be a source of inappropriate humor.

When my brothers and I were little, my mom was a NICU nurse, and my dad was a police officer. This meant alternating day and night shifts, getting home from a long day of work and seeing that we were all taken care of for the next parental shift. It is here that I learned that if I want to be a working mom, I can make it work.

When my mom had to leave her job for medical reasons, she jumped into the role as room mother at school. She was there year after year, helping with projects. It’s here I learned that a working mom is not necessarily someone with a paycheck. Being a mom is a job in so many ways. It is also here that I learned that I did not inherit my mom’s skill for arts and crafts.

In these years, my mom showed me that her capacity for being a mom was far-reaching beyond just her DNA. She was able to find the kids that needed support, kids that lacked the stable home life that I was fortunate to have, and she brought them right into our family. While at times I was not on board with sharing, I know now that her example is something I will always strive to live up to.

Ok, this paragraph shows I was hella spoiled, so buckle up. I’d like to think I wasn’t a brat, but it probably depends who you ask. Every morning I woke up, and part of my breakfast would be made for me. And it’s not like she wasn’t busy! I left for school every day with a packed lunch and snack money (I was an athlete, get at me). I never even spent the snack money. At the end of each month I’d dump out a backpack full of dollar bills like some sort of unsuccessful stripper. I mean $60 a month? Clearly I wouldn’t have been doing something right.

As I aged into the years where popular television told me I was supposed to be angsty and rebel, my mom and I stayed inseparable. We didn’t fight. Ironically, this made the times when we did have disagreements more difficult because we didn’t know how to handle it. I can’t remember a time when I ever felt embarrassed of her, of a time when I didn’t want her around. I mean, she’s a badass, why wouldn’t I want her around? Her humor and sarcasm is rivaled by none, though her ability to cuss like a sailor is a trait that I think my dad wishes I hadn’t inherited.

She taught me to be a strong woman, to push back against the concept of conceding just to be ladylike. She taught me to fight for the things I want. She taught me that as a woman, there is no shame in taking pride in your work and capabilities. She taught me that I have a voice, and that voice can be used to challenge others. She taught me to stand up for myself, to be an advocate for myself and those who can’t advocate for themselves.

My mom was (and is) unstoppable. She hand-made Halloween costumes, she attended concerts, she was at track meets and soccer games. She curled my hair for dance competitions. Neither of us did my makeup because we had no idea what to do.

Once I hit college, our relationship remained strong, despite the distance. She is the mom I want to be for my kids. I was able to seek her advice on drinking, on boys, on sex; there were no limits. And her advice was never “don’t do it.” Instead, she was able to teach me how to take risks safely. She was the safety net for when I tested my limits. She was my sounding board when I was unsure of what I wanted in life.

My mom took me to get my first two tattoos. When I got my second one, she even got one with me! If I remember correctly, she actually paid for my first one.

I’m so grateful for our relationship because I know many people don’t have that. Sometimes I take that for granted.

Case and point: my first foray into birth control when I was in college.

I remember going to the college health center for birth control. I guess they’re used to students paying out of pocket so their parents don’t find out. But my mom already knew. I told the staff I could just go through my insurance. Well, I’m not sure if they didn’t believe me or if they thought I was out of my mind, but the nurse handed me a piece of paper and told me if I filled it out, I get my prescription for free. College students are hard-wired to accept free things. It’s science. So anyway, I fill out the form and off I go. Fast forward to my next trip home when I discover that I’m now receiving food stamps. The school signed me up for welfare! They did me a bamboozle! And my parents are sitting there like, you know we don’t care, right?!

Side note: it was very difficult to remedy this mistake. Not wanting to use resources I didn’t need, I tried to remove myself from the program. No one on the phone seemed to understand why I’d want out. I eventually just gave up and mailed the card back to them with a note that said “no thanks.”

One of the best things about my mom is that her unending support is paired with a non-judgmental wit and sarcasm that makes life fun. I remember pointing out a wedding dress I liked on TV one day while she was cleaning, and without breaking stride she just said, “too bad you can’t wear white anymore.” Some of you may think that’s inappropriate. And to that I say, calm da fuck down. Because remember, this is the same woman who helped me to be safe when navigating the world of dating and boys. The only reason she could even make that joke is because we had already built the foundation in our relationship that allowed us to share those details.

A few years ago, when my mental health truly bottomed out, she dropped everything and drove 2.5 hours to pick me up from CPEP (psychiatric ER). When I laughed at the fact that a visitor asked me if I worked there despite the fact that I was wearing running clothes and a blanket and my shoes had been confiscated, she laughed along with me while others responded with concerned stares. When I referred (privately and never to another patient) to the partial inpatient program that was a condition of my release as “The Island of Misfit Toys,” she accepted the name.

While some people may have treated me like glass in this situation, she understood that I needed to find humor in my situation to cope, because it’s a strategy I learned from her. I mean, when my mom had cancer, she renamed the oncologist “the cancer palace.”

She taught me that when life gives you lemons, you don’t have to make lemonade. You can actually tell those lemons to fuck right off.

Looking back at all of our years together, I can only think of one time that we struggled to see eye to eye. After living on my own through grad school, I moved home. I had just gotten out of a very controlling relationship, and I was trying to make up for lost time. At this point in time, my parents were living at our camp, and I had my childhood home to myself. When they were home, I’d stay out all night and not say anything. This is super fun for parents that spent their lives as first responders. I was working three jobs, one of which was at a bar, and I lived my life like I was some sort of alcoholic raccoon. I was never home unless I was sleeping and to scrounge through the house for whatever food I could eat, and then I’d leave to repeat the process. Dark under eye circles included, I probably even looked like a trash panda at times.

And we fought. And it was totally my fault. I barely took care of myself, so that’s a good indication of what I did to their house. At that time, I lived selfishly, and I will always feel bad about that.

But I eventually pulled my head out of my butt, and now we are back better than ever. It’s a good thing too, because being friends with your mom as a kid is great, but being friends with your mom as an adult? That’s the dream.

So in summary, Happy Mother’s Day to my mom. You are my best friend, my hero, my compass, my momma bear.

And Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms out there.

To the biological moms, the adoptive moms, the foster moms, the women taking care of siblings/grandchildren/nieces&nephews, to the guardians, to the dads pulling double duty as dad and mom, to the moms who’ve lost their children and the moms who’ve lost their babies before they even got to meet them, to the women who’ve had to move heaven and earth to become mothers, to the women seen as mother figures by people in their lives, to the stepmoms, and to any other mothers I’ve missed, Happy Mother’s Day.

And instead of my usual catchphrase, I will end on this:

To people who think it’s funny to say they’re pregnant as a prank…be better.

Early Pandemic Brigid Can Catch These Hands

Today’s beverage: Michelob Ultra…3 weeks out from the beach y’all!!!!

Guys, I’m tired. Like I’m just wiped. out. This week has felt so long.

It’s not that I haven’t been sleeping. I mean, I’ve never slept well, but like I just feel like sleep is not my problem. I have strong negative feelings towards anyone who can just put their head on a pillow and just fall asleep. It’s just not right.

In general, I’m just not a great sleeper. I take forever to fall asleep, and I wake up a lot during the night. And no, it’s not because of a prostate problem, like in the commercials, because I don’t have one, obvs.

No, I’ve come to terms with the fact that sleep would not go on my resume as a skill. I will say that recently, my boyfriend’s snoring problem hasn’t made things any easier.

To clarify, the fact that my boyfriend snores is not the problem. He can’t help it.

The problem is the fact that he snores like a fucking psychopath. I woke up the other night to a very terrifying knocking sound. After spending about 15 minutes trying to identify the noise and deciding who should inherit my jigsaw puzzles when I’m murdered, I discovered that the knocking sound was snoring. I shit you not, the man throws his voice like a ventriloquist when he snores. Add that to the fact that his snores are not noises that should exit the human noise/mouth area and you’ve got a real situation on your hands.

Now, I accept that I’m not always a dream either during my REM cycle. I have this really fun habit in which I will occasionally experience night terrors several nights in a row with no warning. These started back in college. It’s fun for everyone involved, really.

Let me paint you a word picture: I’m sleeping. Peaceful as a lamb. Then I “wake up” and there is 100% without a doubt someone standing over me. So I immediately throw the closest object at them as hard as I can. This object is always a pillow. Because that’s for sure going to help me out with a real intruder.

So that’s the fun part for me. The fun for the other person comes when I do actually wake up, but I’m still terrified and freak out on whoever’s closest to me. Again, usually with a pillow. This time it truly is a good thing.

But I digress. Because as I already said, this is not about sleep. I just can’t pass up a good tangent.

I’m tired because my main personality trait is burning the candle at both ends. And then for funsies, I go ahead and set the middle on fire as well.

I’m finding myself to be suddenly committed to various athletic events, and to say I’m unprepared is an understatement.

So here’s the thing. What had happened was, early pandemic Brigid made the mistake of thinking that a pandemic was the perfect time to get back into the best shape of my life. And I know, I’m not the only one who made that foolish decision. I have Instagram. I get it. This is my first pandemic, and I didn’t understand the rules. I didn’t know that the goal is just to, like, exist to the best of my ability until the world starts to straighten itself out.

The result of this is that I’m currently signed up for two half marathons and the Tough Mudder, all between May and June. In fact, the second half marathon is the week after the Tough Mudder. How did this chaos happen? Deferrals. That’s how. All the races I signed up for last year got moved to this year. Since I have the memory of a goldfish, I forgot and signed up for new races this year.

RUN ALL THE RACES!!

So now I’m trying to learn how to run more than 5 miles at a time again. I’m also trying to get myself to finally be able to do a pull-up. I’m still teaching spin, and I’m hell-bent on getting my six pack back. Essentially, everything is about to fall off. It’s great.

And the kicker is I’m sure there are more things that I signed up for, and now I just have to wait until they pop up. It’s a mess. I’m a mess.

How tired am I? I dozed off during Peaky Blinders! Because nothing relaxes you more than wondering who’s next to get their eyes sliced out by razor blades, right? This is especially risky, because falling asleep on the floor when the rabbit is looking for attention is a good way to get bit. You don’t mess with the Peaky Fucking Bunnies.

Had to do it. Not sorry.

I’ve also been running slow as molasses, which is fun. There’s nothing better than taking a peak at your watch and finding out that you’re going about a minute per mile slower than usual. It’s a real confidence builder going into a race.

To top this all off, my first race is a trail race. Last year, I decided I’d try my hand at trail races. There’s nothing too outlandish about that. The part that makes you facepalm is that my logic was to immediately go for the half marathon. Honestly I’m surprised I didn’t try and track down a full marathon right off the bat. Shit, if I knew how to do it, I’d probably have signed up for the Barkley Marathons.

Note: if you have not watched The Barkley Marathons: the race that eats its young, you need to. Like right now. Finish reading this post, then watch. Even if you don’t run, it’s wildly interesting because Lazarus is a crazy person and I’d like to adopt him as my grandfather.

Don’t worry, though. I corrected my mistake by finding a small trail 5k a few months back. All better, right? Nope. I decided to choose a race that involved running up a ski mountain and essentially making a controlled fall back down. But hey, I came in second! And then I got bit by a dog. That part is irrelevant, but here we are.

Circling back, Brigid is an exhausted son of a gun. I’m not sure if this epitome of “stream of consciousness” was a clear enough symbol of my current physical and cognitive state, so I figure I’ll spell it right out for ya. I’m nice that way. I care about my audience.

So why don’t I take a break? It’s just not in my nature. Why take care of yourself appropriately when you can just run yourself into the ground and then reset later. This whole thing is clearly Future Brigid’s problem. Live in the now, people.

I should take an example from my dog. Yesterday, Littlefoot got up at 10am and went outside to pee, came in and ate breakfast, and plopped her butt down on the couch. It was 5pm before I realized I plum forgot about her existence because she NEVER MOVED. This dog can nap. She’s taking a nap right now. Life for her is a spectator sport.

Honestly, the most frustrating part of this whole week is the fact that all I’ve wanted to do is write, but I literally have not been able to figure out what to write about. Writing is such a relaxing activity for me, and weirdly enough, it’s an effective method of resetting my brain. But I can’t write if I don’t have anything to write about! Hence today’s stream of nonsense. The main benefit here is that I actually feel better now than I did when I started this post. That may also be the beer, but who knows.

This does give me an idea, though. I’m gonna try something with you all; a choose your own adventure of sorts. If you follow me, and you have a topic about life in general that you’d like to see if I can’t put a few hundred coherent words together about, send it on over. If you don’t follow me, get off ya butt and follow me. And then you too can participate in the fun. This may ultimately be an unwise decision and I obviously have the ability to veto any topic I choose, but hey, toss it in the comments and see what happens.

So until next time… I guess I need a closing catchphrase, but that’s a hurdle for another beer.

Like the Grinch, except I can’t pull off green

Today’s beverage: hot tea

After one (or five) too many Michelob Ultras last night, my liver needed a break.

Did you miss me?! I know it’s been a bit since I wrote, but I had important things to do. I finally got to meet my niece!!! My family is scattered over several states, and this dang pandemic kept me away from the World’s greatest baby for the first four months of her life.

But now I’ve returned, and it’s time to this whole blog thing back underway.

Gather round boys and girls, because we’re gonna talk about birthdays! I’m turning the big 3-0 this year. Hence the age-based life crisis. Good-bye 20’s, hello to being that age where if you tell someone you’re pregnant, they’re not sure if you did it on purpose.

I AM NOT PREGNANT. THAT WAS JUST AN EXAMPLE.

I thought I’d feel more like an adult at this point. But instead, I eat Lunchables on a routine basis, and I usually have to look up the instructions for baking a potato on the internet. At the same time, I’m trying to buy a house and I have a favorite bourbon. I’m all over the place.

Like, I have gray hairs, but I also still like poop jokes.

I can’t drink without a hangover, but I can still buy children’s shoes.

I have a 401k, but I still don’t go on vacation without running it by my parents.

You get the idea.

Anyway, I love birthday parties. I love party games, party snacks, party booze, the whole shebang. I mean hell, I have a piñata hanging in my kitchen from my boyfriend’s Super Soft Birthday Party, and that was a month ago. His name is Wallace, and I love him.

Here’s the catch. I only like these things when they are not mine.

That’s right, I do not celebrate my birthday.

*GASP!*

When I was younger, I loved my birthday. I remember a lot of my birthday parties, and they. were. lit. In preschool, two boys got in a fist fight after one saw the other kiss me. You can’t pay for the that type of chaos. Seriously. You can’t. That would be highly illegal. I learned that on a episode of Law & Order. Baby fight club = jail. Dun Dunn.

Then there were the cakes. My mom was superstar when it came to birthday cakes. She could make anything out of a cake, and there was none of the fondant bull shit. Paul Hollywood would be giving out handshakes at warp speed. My favorite was a gumball machine, but all the gum balls were Skittles. One year for my brother she made two cakes. My brother wanted a cheesecake, but it turns out most other elementary school children don’t want cheesecake at a birthday party. Idiots.

Back to me.

My birthday falls during a great part of the year. It’s not like it’s near Christmas, like my brother. (SUCKS TO SUCK) I always got to bring popsicles to school, and some years it fell on our field days.

Here’s the thing about birthdays as an adult though. As much as I love celebrating people’s birthdays with them, there’s a line. I’m sorry, but you don’t get a “birthday month.” You get a day. Maybe a couple days if your schedule doesn’t allow for celebration with loved ones.

I feel like I should end this post with “and get off my yard!”

What happened to me to make me such a birthday Scrooge? It’s not like anyone pooped on my cake. Nobody punched me in the face at my party. Even the guy I accidentally threw an entire shot, glass and all, at on my 21st was super nice about it. I just don’t celebrate it. I have my reasons, and that should be that.

Right?

WRONG

Who would have thought that me not wanting to celebrate a day that I guess is technically about me, would be such a problem for other people.

People do not like it when I say I don’t do my birthday. They want to “fix it.” Like ok, thanks for the sentiment, girl who just started dating my friend about 3 days ago, but it likely won’t be you who turns this ship around.

You’d think I’d cancelled Christmas. And I didn’t! Because as I’ve already said, my birthday is not at Christmas time!

To keep people from going rogue, I’ve actually stopped sharing when my birthday is. Now, I’m not dumb. I know that a lot of people know the date. But I also know that unless it comes up as a Facebook reminder, you’re likely not going to think about it until about 3 days late.

We’ve all been there.

For example, let’s say I have a friend who’s birthday is August 3rd.

Me on August 2nd: ok, Lucinda’s birthday is tomorrow.

Me on August 3rd: ….

Me on August 7th: FUCK. I DID IT AGAIN.

I bank on those exact brain farts. That, and the assumption that others will just accept my decision. And why wouldn’t you?! Now you don’t have to buy me a present! I’m saving you money. Hey hey you’re welcomeeee.

I do know one person that didn’t care that it was my birthday. The police officer that gave me a speeding ticket a few years back for going 70 in a 55. I’m not even mad. I respect the commitment.

You want to have yourself a birthday party? I’m all in. I even have a specific birthday party t-shirt, courtesy of Letterkenny and Etsy. Where do you think I drank all those Michelob Ultras on Saturday? That’s right, a birthday party. And where do you think my headache did not improve today? That’s right, a 5 year old’s birthday party. Both parties got two thumbs up in my book. If anything, today’s party was better because it was Disney Princess themed, and the other one was just beer-themed. Either way, both parties had a dog, so both were a success.

Speaking of multiple parties in one weekend, do you know who doesn’t mind my lack of fucks given to my day of birth? People who have a birthday in the general vicinity of my own. When I have kids, I’m going to time it out so all of their birthdays are near mine. Then I’ll never have to worry about it ever again. I’m a genius!

I’ve been trying to think of a cohesive conclusion to tidy this all up, and I think I’ve got it.

I will let the late, great DMX summarize my thoughts on my birthday.

“Y’all gon’ make me lose my mind
Up in here, up in here
Y’all gon’ make me go all out
Up in here, up in here”

I think we can all agree that this is not my best work, but I seem to be having a bit of a block lately. I will do better next time, I promise!

So until next time… I guess I need a closing catchphrase, but that’s a hurdle for another beer.

Now get off my lawn!

Like a dang carnival barker

Today’s beverage: post 5:30am run coffee with a side of bunny snuggles.

Tatted up like a dang carnival barker”

This is one of my dad’s staple phrases. I honestly should get it carved into my tombstone someday. It’s a joke, so nobody yell at him.

By most people’s standards, I am not really “tatted up.” I have four tattoos, five if you count that one is a cover up. There’s nothing wrong with the original; it’s not like I got “butthole’s butthole” tattooed on my butthole. (FYI I know someone who does indeed have that tattoo). No, I was just indifferent to the tattoo that was there and decided to cover it with something prettier.

Now, I know that not everyone is a fan of tattoos.

It’s gonna look weird when you get old.”

Yes, well so is the rest of me.

No one will hire you!”

Gainfully employed, thank you very much. I will concede that this is an old sentiment, and that opinions on tattoos for people other than ax murders have changed.

What about when you get pregnant?”

First of all, if, not when. Let’s normalize the concept that not everyone is able to, or wants to, get pregnant.

Second, if I get pregnant, that baby is likely going to make my skin all sorts of weird, regardless of whether or not I have a tattoo. I’ve seen pregnant people. Babies are jerks.

What if your significant other doesn’t like it?!”

Ok, well first of all, FUCK THAT NOISE! Your partner doesn’t like your tattoos? Find a new partner. For transparency sake, I had three tattoos already when I met my boyfriend, and I did discuss it with him before I got the other two. I wasn’t getting permission, but I do like to know his thoughts on things. Spoiler: turns out he loves me no matter what awwwwww

They hurt.”

DUH.

They’re expensive.”

Question: if you’re going to have someone carve an image into your skin with a needle, you’d want them to be trained and qualified, right? Me too. It’s the same reason I’d never seek out discount LASIK.

“Tatted up like a dang carnival barker.”

My dad likes to act scandalized by the tattoos in our family, like he has delicate sensibilities or something. I’m in the lead with 4-slash-5, my mom has one, and my middle brother has one. He jokes that I corrupted my mom. When I got my first tattoo, I was 18. I got a winged foot on my left thigh, ‘cause….running. Naturally, I was nervous, because, to be perfectly crass, I’m a pussy. So my mom went with me. She even paid for it because she’s the coolest lady ever. Move over, Lorelai Gilmore.

At this point in our lives, my mom was undergoing treatment for cancer, but she surprised me by admitting that she’d be down to get a little ink. (I winced typing that, but I’m trying to be cool). At the time, her getting a tattoo was a medical no-no, so I told her that I’d get one with her when she was in remission.

Here’s the thing about your first tattoo. The biggest side effect is wanting a second tattoo.

I got bit by the bug.

My mom went into remission. YAY!!

So off we went for tattoos. She got a cute little shamrock on her ankle, and I got an infinity symbol on my ribs.

DISCLAIMER: Unless it is something racist, sexist, or otherwise openly offensive, you can get whatever tattoo you want, and who da fuck cares. If you like it, that’s all that matters.

DISCLAIMER PART 2: if you want to get a white ink tattoo so that you can say you have a tattoo, but no one will ever see it, I have a suggestion. Just lie. Say you have one. It will save you a lot of money, and as stated above, tattoos hurt.

My infinity tattoo would definitely be considered “basic bitch” status, along with anchors and feathers and “Live. Laugh. Love.” But I liked it, and a friend drew it for me, which was a neat added touch. That being said, there should be a written exam prior to getting a second tattoo. Like a Buzzfeed quiz called “Are you sure? Or are you just impatient?”

Fast forward a few years, and I now have the winged foot on my thigh, the cuuuutest T-Rex on my ankle, a watercolor elephant on one side of my ribs, and I recently covered the infinity tattoo on the other side of my ribs with lilacs. It’s not that I dislike that tattoo, but I was indifferent towards it.

Am I done? Probably not. And here’s why.

**I’m not going too deep into the following topic but to do my due diligence: trigger warning: I will briefly be discussing the topic of disordered eating. I also want to remind you all that I like to mix humor in with serious things. I’m not making light of anyone else’s situation, just my own.

Ok, let’s do this shit!

Body dysmorphia: a mental health disorder in which you can’t stop thinking about one or more perceived defects or flaws in your appearance.

I tend to describe it as living my life in a funhouse mirror. Most people, especially women, know what I mean when I say there are good mirrors and bad mirrors. I don’t know what some people are doing when they make these things, but you can go from supermodel to that blueberry girl from Willy Wonka real quick.

When I look at myself, regardless of the mirror, I do not see what you see. I do not like what I see. Specifically, in my mind, I am fat. This is in addition to a whole host of other “flaws” that I see that other people have told me don’t exist. Jokes on you, Brigid’s brain doesn’t give a flying fart what you think.

In the battle of emotion mind versus wise mind, my wise mind is definitely the kid who’d get picked last in kickball.

But Brigid, lots of people don’t like their bodies. Don’t be dramatic.

True. But there’s a line between seeing something you don’t like and seeing something that’s not there. When I look at myself, I tend to see proportions that are objectively, not possible.

To be perfectly clear, this is not meant to diminish anyone else’s opinions of their body. A friend of mine who does stand-up comedy has a really good bit about anxiety and it turning into a pissing contest. Everyone is trying to one-up everyone else’s anxiety.

If I have to be fucked up, I want to be the most fucked up. I am the Queen of stress, hear me roar, and nervously chew my fingernails.

*evil laugh*

I’m not trying to out-anxiety anyone. I may be competitive, but that would be like trying to see who could get the highest fever. No one really wins. I’m simply trying to create a clearer picture of the point I’m trying to get across.

Side note: I did once compete with a friend as to who could get the lowest blood pressure readings over 24 hours of wearing a pressure cuff. I lost. But I’m sure if you asked a medical professional, they’d say we both lost, which is why we didn’t ask.

Anyway, my body image issues, along with my other mental health struggles, have led to a lot of negative coping measures that wind their way in and out of my existence, such as purging and over-exercising. These aren’t constants in my life, but they have a tendency to pop back in an say hello despite the fact that I specifically told them that they aren’t in my COVID bubble. I accidentally wrote a whole post about this last month, which is safely tucked away in my drafts folder and will likely never see the light of day, except for being shared with my family and my therapist.

So what does this have to do with tattoos? Well, I’ll tell ya!

I don’t really like looking at myself in the mirror, but it’s kind of necessary. Otherwise I’d probably walk out the door looking like I wrapped myself in Velcro and threw myself into my closet. If it sticks, I wear it! Or I’d forget to put make-up on one side of my face. Though, honestly that might not be noticeable. I finally learned how to do eyeliner at the age of 27, and I usually do the bare minimum. Want me in your wedding? I don’t care how much the make-up artist costs, I’m paying. I know how to do literally nothing with my face.

Also, the fact that I don’t like looking in a mirror means that I spend my entire day looking at my reflection trying to pick apart the things I don’t like. I guess I’m just a glutton for punishment.

Still waiting on the tattoo thing? I’m getting there, I promise! Scout’s honor!

My tattoos give me something positive to focus on, on the days when I have trouble finding the positives I was born with. I love my tattoos. I love to look at them. So when I need to try on a bathing suit, or change outfits 700 times to find the right one, I use them to refocus myself. They are my healthy coping.

Some people think that tattoos need to have meaning. So when I tell people that I have a big watercolor elephant holding a balloon on my ribs, they will ask me if it’s for my rabbit, who’s named Elephant. It’s a fun coincidence, but honestly I just thought it was cute. The T-Rex on my ankle? I like dinosaurs, and it makes me smile. The winged foot obviously has to do with running, of course. And my most recent addition, a diamond with lilacs poking in an out is just plain cool.

I don’t need meaning. I need something that I want to look at.

That’s not to say I’m going to cover myself head to toe. Just because you like oil paintings doesn’t mean every square inch of your walls is covered in framed art. Not that there’s anything wrong with either of those if that’s what you want.

You do you, boo boo.

One of the things I actually like is that all of my tattoos are pretty easy to cover. It’s like I have secret body armor under my clothes…like deodorant! Except now that a global pandemic has kept me home bound, it’s shocking how frequently I forget to apply.

So while I have a few ideas for small things I’d like to add on here and there, I mostly focus my tattoos on the key parts of my body that I view as flawed. It’s why I don’t have a butt tattoo…because…flawless. *hair flip*

KIDDING…kinda 😉

At the same time, although I can easily point out “flaws” on my face, such as those caterpillars some would call eyebrows that I inherited from my father, I also won’t be getting a face tattoo. You want a face tattoo? Get a face tattoo! But I just don’t think I’ll be able to rock it as well as Post Malone or Mike Tyson. I’m leaving that to the professionals. I have my limits.

And with that, the sun is now up, and Elephant has bitten me enough times that it’s clear my attention is to be shifted to her.

Ok, Brigid, connect it back to the theme…working on my mental health is part of navigating my quarter life crisis.

BA-BAM!

So until next time….I guess I need a closing catchphrase, but that’s a hurdle for another beer.

Do as I say, not as I do

Today’s beverage: coffee….it is not even 7am people. Calm down.

Why am I up so early, you ask? Well my dumb ass agrees to run with a friend every Friday at 5:30am, so I am now firmly in the post run bunny snuggles part of my day. Well, I’m trying to snuggle. The bunny is licking all the dried sweat off my neck and face.

And speaking of bunnies, I have news on the whole growing up and buying a house thing. The boyfriend and I have officially done our first house tour. It won’t be the house for us, but that is not the point.

No, the point is that a good test of whether our realtor was right for us or not (she is; she’s great) was her being understanding of my requirements for Elephant.

As I surveyed the living room and dining room area of the house, I noted that it would be perfect for Elephant because with two area rugs and a runner, she would have unfettered access to two whole rooms!

And that was literally like my only comment about that area of the house. Because when one is considering making the biggest purchase of one’s life, one must consider the smallest critter involved.

But the whole thing got me thinking, and I’d like to take an opportunity to introduce you to Elephant and explain how we’ve gotten to this point where I’m making major life decisions based on an overweight lagomorph.

That’s right. Rabbits aren’t rodents; they are lagomorphs. Take that, MOM!

(Just kidding, love you momma bear)

Back to the task at hand.

I got Elephant for all of the reasons you should not buy a pet, specifically a rabbit, but mostly anything other than a goldfish or a tamagotchi.

Hence…do as I say, not as I do

Reasons I bought Elephant

1. My mom said no. I’ve always wanted a rabbit. We had dogs, cats, fish, and a short-lived and poorly ending journey with frogs, but rodents are not allowed in the house. (See point above. *harrumph*)

2. I was replacing a boy. Literally one month after moving in with my boyfriend at the time, he took a job 4 hours away and moved out. This relationship had more red flags than a sporting match between Switzerland and China, so I really should not have been surprised. But anyway, we had just rented a 2 bedroom apartment, and yet I slept on the couch with a coffee table blocking the door shut every night, and I kept an old night stick next to my bed. (This is an improvement from the steak knife under my pillow. You could say I’m a bit of a scaredy cat.)

3. I was poor and busy. I couldn’t get a dog because they weren’t allowed and also I couldn’t afford one. And I’m allergic to cats. Plus I’m just like generally not really a fan…except for maybe 6 cats. Their owners know who they are.

4. She was on sale! All the bunnies in the pet store were $50. Elephant was only $15 because she was a baby bunny that someone dropped off with a note at the owner’s door.

So I took my Harry Potter discount rabbit and home we went. She peed on me in the car.

Immediately upon putting her on the kitchen floor, I felt I made a terrible mistake. Watching her slide across the floor using her front paws, I thought to myself, “Fuck I bought a paralyzed rabbit! What am I going to do?!”

Spoiler- she is not paralyzed, she just cannot navigate hard floors. Thank the almighty Dwayne the Rock Johnson for wall to wall carpeting.

Our relationship was not love at first sight. For about 3 months, the only way I could get her to come near me was if I played dead on the floor. After about an hour of no movement, she would hop over, smell me, bite me, and take off.

Fast forward to today, where as I said, she’s literally licking sweat off my body while I write this.

Now despite my irresponsible beginnings in the world of pet ownership, I like to think I did a pretty good job. Elephant is litter trained, and as a result, she is now allowed out of her house full time. Her house doesn’t even have a door.

That being said, I’ve definitely learned some valuable lessons in the process of owning a free range rabbit. She may be litter trained, but the training ends there.

1. I should have invested stock in iPhone chargers (I have no friggin clue if that is properly worded, I don’t know money things.) She has a 6th sense for them, and they must be destroyed. I replace phone chargers more than I replace eggs in my refrigerator.

2. Baseboards are apparently delicious

3. Rabbits can and will eat your couch

4. If you trip over them, they do not accept your apology.

5. Be careful bringing dogs in the house. Because the rabbit will attack them…and occasionally hump them.

6. Beware of hysterical pregnancies and check under your pillow for nests. Excuse me while I go vomit from this memory.

7. If you don’t want a food bowl chucked across the room, especially at night, keep the bowl full

Having Elephant around has been a treasure. Some say that dogs are a good judge of character? Please, Littlefoot is a trifling ho and will love anyone that looks at her. But Elephant? If you can pick her up without getting mauled, then you get to stay.

Also, according to the internet, she died like 3 years ago. The lifespan of an unspayed rabbit is 3-4 years and Elephant is going strong coming up on year 7. I guess this makes her a zombie bunny.

Actually, she reminds me more of a drop bear than anything else. She’s a drop bunny!!

This is the point in the conversation where you look up drop bears if you don’t know what they are. Go ahead, I’ll wait.

Also, listen to Bob Barker and get your pets spayed or neutered. I was a poor grad student.

Do as I say, not as I do.

Moral of the story, did I think that when I bought Elephant all those years ago that she would be such a big factor in the home buying process?

Trick question! Obviously. And if you feel otherwise, you shouldn’t own a pet. You monster.

Now get ready for some word magic, as I find away to tie this blog post to my general theme of navigating a quarter life crisis.

*rolls shoulders back, strikes a power pose*

Learn from my mistakes and lessons so that you can avoid some of the troubles I have faced.

There, that should do it. Tied up and packaged like a nice Christmas present.

Yeah I know, it’s a stretch, but I got up at 4:30 this morning so I don’t want to hear it.

So until next time…I guess I need a closing catchphrase, but that’s a hurdle for another beer.

LET THE GAME$ BEGIN

Today’s-ish beverage: Michelob Ultra Infusions: lime & prickly pear cactus

I have to say, the seltzers are way better, but the calories are still low, and I have a beach vacay coming up in May.

Either way, that’s what I was drinking when I started this post 2 days ago. Now I’m actually just drinking iced coffee, because my body runs almost exclusively on caffeine. I’m not even sure what being properly hydrated feels like. I’d probably get fewer headaches, but I just like to think of those as one of life’s little quirks.

Well folks, I did it. I arm wrestled a bear.

No. I submitted my first pitches for freelance writing gigs. My hat is in the ring. I have entered the gauntlet. I put some skin in the game. I have tapped out on that analogy.

I did arm wrestle my friend last night though. She destroyed me. She’s not a bear, but she does cross fit, and she’s very strong. There’s a reason I’m the only one on our Tough Mudder team that can’t cross the Funky Monkey. These guns are for display purposes only.

*kisses each “bicep”*

Shout out to Overall Obstacles. Returning to a Tough Mudder near you (if you live outside of Boston) June 2021

I also officially received my first, and likely not last, rejection. I’m not sure why I’m telling you this part. I could lie and say I was wildly successful right out of the gate, and you should all bow down to my excellence. Kiss the ring!

But as the kids say these days, honesty is the best policy. And don’t part your hair on the side. And don’t wear skinny jeans.

Jokes on you Gen-Z, I usually just wear sweatpants. And I look terrible with a center part so I guess I wasn’t destined to fit in with the youths. That’s fine. I just want to do jigsaw puzzles and paint by number on my phone all day anyway.

Back to writing pitches.

It honestly wasn’t as scary as I anticipated. I’m not sure why I procrastinated so long. Oh wait, yes I do, it’s just part of my charming nature aka my anxiety disorder. It’s cuter if you call it charm. Kind of like saying a house is charming when what you really mean is it’s smaller than your car and hasn’t been updated since it was cool to put carpet in the bathroom.

Maybe it’s because I’m used to professional rejection. Sometimes it feels like it doesn’t make a difference whether I send my resume to the employer or just use it to line Elephant’s litter box.

Side note: I have done that many times. It’s called being economical and eco-friendly.

Saving trees one failure at a time.

I once went through a series of job interviews where the interviewer informed me that I was almost the top choice, but there was just one person with better qualifications.

Always the bridesmaid, never employed I guess.

*hair flip*

I’m sorry, but what makes you think I’m going to feel better if I know that I barely missed out? Just tell me no and move on.

One of the best parts of pitching for these freelance gigs is that I don’t have to do the usual job interviews.

I hate job interviews. I’m sure that’s how most people feel, unless you’re some sort of masochist. To each their own! Whatever floats your giant, Instagramable unicorn raft.

Ohhh to reminisce on my old job searches…

There was the time I interviewed for an internship and the interviewer asked me what I weighed. And then, they had the balls to tell me that I’m not that small, compared to a figure skater. I mean ok, oddly specific and inappropriate, but you do you, boo boo.

There was the interview I did with a minor concussion because I fell on ice the night before. That was fun. I also couldn’t turn my head at all.

There was this interview:

“How comfortable are you with informatics?”

Me: “I don’t know what that is.”

“….Ma’am this internship is called ‘informatics in public health.’”

That ones on me, but in my defense I had found an internship already and had one foot out the door.

By the way, public health informatics is the process of using data systems and technology to shape public health practice. See? I would have been fine.

And then there are those interviews where you know the interviewer very well and you have to ask and answer questions like you’ve never seen them before in your life. As someone who spends most of their waking hours being nervous and awkward, this is a friggin nightmare!

In summary, the idea of sending someone a writing sample and they just tell me yes or no is pretty relaxing.

I just need some people to say yes. I need the money! I have mouths to feed! Specifically, Elephant. If you’ve ever been bit by a rabbit, you can understand why I focus all of my efforts and resources on not pissing her off. The trick is to drop the treats from about waist level so she can’t rip them out of your hands.

In hindsight, maybe BrigidandaBeverage, while an excellent name for this whimsical blog, was not the most professional name to use for my writing portfolio, but I already bought the domain so I sure as shit am going to use it. Plus, I knew a guy who got a job as a ski instructor despite never having skied before, so I feel like anything is possible!

I also like to tell myself that putting both sides of my writing styles on display shows that I’m a real Jack of all trades…Jill of all trades? I don’t know how that expression works.

I was reading a book the other day (it was a trashy book, but it’s funny, and I can do what I want) and the author wrote “Jilled off” as opposed to “jacked off” and I have to say, it gave me the heebie jeebies.

So anyways, keep your fingers crossed that someone thinks I’m a worthwhile hire.

Ok, I need to wrap this up; I have a Lunchable to eat. Because I’m an adult, and again, I can do what I want.

So until next time…I guess I need a closing catchphrase, but that’s a hurdle for another beer.

You’d think by now I’d have that little phrase memorized, but nope, it’s copy/paste until the day I die.

Bye friends!