Do as I say, not as I do

Today’s beverage: coffee….it is not even 7am people. Calm down.

Why am I up so early, you ask? Well my dumb ass agrees to run with a friend every Friday at 5:30am, so I am now firmly in the post run bunny snuggles part of my day. Well, I’m trying to snuggle. The bunny is licking all the dried sweat off my neck and face.

And speaking of bunnies, I have news on the whole growing up and buying a house thing. The boyfriend and I have officially done our first house tour. It won’t be the house for us, but that is not the point.

No, the point is that a good test of whether our realtor was right for us or not (she is; she’s great) was her being understanding of my requirements for Elephant.

As I surveyed the living room and dining room area of the house, I noted that it would be perfect for Elephant because with two area rugs and a runner, she would have unfettered access to two whole rooms!

And that was literally like my only comment about that area of the house. Because when one is considering making the biggest purchase of one’s life, one must consider the smallest critter involved.

But the whole thing got me thinking, and I’d like to take an opportunity to introduce you to Elephant and explain how we’ve gotten to this point where I’m making major life decisions based on an overweight lagomorph.

That’s right. Rabbits aren’t rodents; they are lagomorphs. Take that, MOM!

(Just kidding, love you momma bear)

Back to the task at hand.

I got Elephant for all of the reasons you should not buy a pet, specifically a rabbit, but mostly anything other than a goldfish or a tamagotchi.

Hence…do as I say, not as I do

Reasons I bought Elephant

1. My mom said no. I’ve always wanted a rabbit. We had dogs, cats, fish, and a short-lived and poorly ending journey with frogs, but rodents are not allowed in the house. (See point above. *harrumph*)

2. I was replacing a boy. Literally one month after moving in with my boyfriend at the time, he took a job 4 hours away and moved out. This relationship had more red flags than a sporting match between Switzerland and China, so I really should not have been surprised. But anyway, we had just rented a 2 bedroom apartment, and yet I slept on the couch with a coffee table blocking the door shut every night, and I kept an old night stick next to my bed. (This is an improvement from the steak knife under my pillow. You could say I’m a bit of a scaredy cat.)

3. I was poor and busy. I couldn’t get a dog because they weren’t allowed and also I couldn’t afford one. And I’m allergic to cats. Plus I’m just like generally not really a fan…except for maybe 6 cats. Their owners know who they are.

4. She was on sale! All the bunnies in the pet store were $50. Elephant was only $15 because she was a baby bunny that someone dropped off with a note at the owner’s door.

So I took my Harry Potter discount rabbit and home we went. She peed on me in the car.

Immediately upon putting her on the kitchen floor, I felt I made a terrible mistake. Watching her slide across the floor using her front paws, I thought to myself, “Fuck I bought a paralyzed rabbit! What am I going to do?!”

Spoiler- she is not paralyzed, she just cannot navigate hard floors. Thank the almighty Dwayne the Rock Johnson for wall to wall carpeting.

Our relationship was not love at first sight. For about 3 months, the only way I could get her to come near me was if I played dead on the floor. After about an hour of no movement, she would hop over, smell me, bite me, and take off.

Fast forward to today, where as I said, she’s literally licking sweat off my body while I write this.

Now despite my irresponsible beginnings in the world of pet ownership, I like to think I did a pretty good job. Elephant is litter trained, and as a result, she is now allowed out of her house full time. Her house doesn’t even have a door.

That being said, I’ve definitely learned some valuable lessons in the process of owning a free range rabbit. She may be litter trained, but the training ends there.

1. I should have invested stock in iPhone chargers (I have no friggin clue if that is properly worded, I don’t know money things.) She has a 6th sense for them, and they must be destroyed. I replace phone chargers more than I replace eggs in my refrigerator.

2. Baseboards are apparently delicious

3. Rabbits can and will eat your couch

4. If you trip over them, they do not accept your apology.

5. Be careful bringing dogs in the house. Because the rabbit will attack them…and occasionally hump them.

6. Beware of hysterical pregnancies and check under your pillow for nests. Excuse me while I go vomit from this memory.

7. If you don’t want a food bowl chucked across the room, especially at night, keep the bowl full

Having Elephant around has been a treasure. Some say that dogs are a good judge of character? Please, Littlefoot is a trifling ho and will love anyone that looks at her. But Elephant? If you can pick her up without getting mauled, then you get to stay.

Also, according to the internet, she died like 3 years ago. The lifespan of an unspayed rabbit is 3-4 years and Elephant is going strong coming up on year 7. I guess this makes her a zombie bunny.

Actually, she reminds me more of a drop bear than anything else. She’s a drop bunny!!

This is the point in the conversation where you look up drop bears if you don’t know what they are. Go ahead, I’ll wait.

Also, listen to Bob Barker and get your pets spayed or neutered. I was a poor grad student.

Do as I say, not as I do.

Moral of the story, did I think that when I bought Elephant all those years ago that she would be such a big factor in the home buying process?

Trick question! Obviously. And if you feel otherwise, you shouldn’t own a pet. You monster.

Now get ready for some word magic, as I find away to tie this blog post to my general theme of navigating a quarter life crisis.

*rolls shoulders back, strikes a power pose*

Learn from my mistakes and lessons so that you can avoid some of the troubles I have faced.

There, that should do it. Tied up and packaged like a nice Christmas present.

Yeah I know, it’s a stretch, but I got up at 4:30 this morning so I don’t want to hear it.

So until next time…I guess I need a closing catchphrase, but that’s a hurdle for another beer.

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