I’m that type of friend

Today’s beverage: chai tea…give a girl a break; I’m feeling bloggy, not boozy.

Like everyone else in the world, I learn new things every day. Today I learned that I’m the friend that other friends will tag to win things on Instagram.

For those of you who are unfamiliar, influencers and businesses like to raffle things off on Instagram, and they all follow a similar set of basic rules.

1. Follow us and like this post

2. Paste this post to your story and comment with your SSN

3. Tag a friend

4 Call your friend and threaten them until they also like and share this post

5. Get our logo tattooed on your left butt cheek

6. Tell us why you’d like to trade your first born child for this free bottle of shampoo

It’s all pretty straightforward. So like I was saying, it appears that I’m that friend that my friends will tag as step 3 in the process. Now, some people would find this annoying. Not me! I think it’s a positive, because it means that when people are scrolling through their followers, they see my name and think, “now this is a bitch that won’t fight me.”

*single tear drops down my cheek*

It just makes me feel. so. special.

And they’re right. I won’t fight them. Not necessarily because I care about them and want them to be happy. It’s not even that I don’t mind being tagged, which I don’t. No, it’s because I’d lose, and it would not be a close fight.

What makes me so confident in my demise? Let me explain…

I’ve been boxing lately, and to toot my own horn, I know what I’m doing. IBut this week in class, the instructor threw a real wrench in the works. Instead of just standing in one spot punching the bag, now we have to move like the bag can hit back. Want to know what I immediately realized?

I’M A FUCKING EMBARASSMENT.

I’d use the expression “I’m all arms and legs,” but I’m a small person and the saying doesn’t really fit my physical appearance. I mean, if I’m all anything, it’s torso. A better comparison would be to say I move like a baby dog, who’s also blind…and also drunk.

So, moral of the story? Tag away my friends, tag away.

Back to business here…

We are always learning.

Adapt or die, am I right? Seriously, am I right? Does that saying apply? Is it even really a saying? Because recently, I’ve learned that a lot of adages I thought everyone knew are actually just shit my dad’s best friend made.

Example: you can fit their brain inside a gnat’s asshole and it will bounce around like a bb in a bowling alley

I seem to have gone off track. Again.

AS I WAS SAYING, we learn new things every day.

In high school, I thought I wanted to be a teacher, right up until I learned that what I really wanted was to write in a grade book.

In college, I thought I wanted to be a doctor, right up until I learned that skipping freshman biology to play Super Smash Brothers on N64 just because I forgot my clicker (necessary for attendance points) was a strong indicator that I was maybe barking up the wrong professional tree.

…I also failed organic chemistry. Well, I would have failed, had I not switched majors and dropped the class, but you get the idea.

In grad school, I thought I wanted to be a zookeeper, right up until I learned I probably wouldn’t make any money or find a job. I’m not sure if you’ve noticed this, but there are a finite number of zoos in this country. This wouldn’t work for me because I also learned long ago that I enjoy spending money I don’t have on things I don’t need.

At the end of grad school, I learned that a crucial piece to getting accepted into a PhD program is to match the name of the school you’re applying to to the name of the school in your essay. I’m looking at you, 5 universities out there that read all about how I would be a great asset to the University of Kentucky. Kentucky also didn’t take me, but it’s not like I got off to a good start in the first place.

In the end, I found the correct field, but it’s been a learning process.

And now? Now I’m learning that you don’t always find your dream job out of the gate. That may sound hella basic and naive to you, but in my defense, my parents were horrible examples of this. They both had careers that they loved from day one. And I’ve told them many times that they are to blame for me being lost in the shark-infested sea of adulthood. It’s very similar to how I learned that not all houses had laundry shoots, or how other people don’t call “eye boogers” “winkers.”

Tell an adult they have a winker and let me know how that goes for you.

Ok, the shark-infested bit was obviously a little dramatic. It’s not like I’m miserable in my field; I’m just trying to figure out exactly what I want to focus on still, and I was under the impression that it would be easy. Like, I know a lot of my passion in the public health field focuses on improving health equity, but how I can contribute to that is still to be determined.

So maybe the reason I take up so many part time jobs isn’t that I collect W-2’s like some people collect coins, or stamps, or cats. Don’t collect cats; that’s hoarding. No, maybe it’s because I’m trying to find my niche.

Just kidding; it’s because I like to spend money I don’t have on things I don’t need. Speaking of which, there is a shiny new jigsaw puzzle waiting for me on the kitchen table.

This concludes another episode of “Does the title match the content?”


So until next time…I guess I need a closing catchphrase, but that’s a hurdle for another beer.

I promise, it will be a beer next time.

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